Makes Me Want to Holler

Oh, make me wanna holler

And throw up both my hands
Yea, it makes me wanna holler
And throw up both my hands

Crime is increasing
Trigger happy policing
Panic is spreading
God know where we’re heading
Oh, make me wanna holler
They don’t understand
Dah, dah, dah
Dah, dah, dah
Dah, dah, dah. - Makes me want to holler - Brian Courtney Wilson

There has so much going on in the world during this pandemic. This pandemic is only the tip of the iceberg. We still haven't dealt with issues that are plaguing our world: white supremacy, racism, homelessness, education, healthcare, and the economy. As a recent graduate, my post-graduation plans look nothing like the plans I made before the pandemic. 

Six months ago, I dreamt about moving back home, securing a full-time job, and taking a year off before law school. In a matter of months, our world has been turned upside down. Each day something new is going on and it is out of our control. The Lord has been speaking to me lately and he is BIG on revealing that I have to relinquish my control for him to perform and the only thing I can control is how I respond.

Living in a toxic home environment is emotionally draining and unhealthy. It leads to prolonged anxiety, stress, and other symptoms. On Saturday, I had an emotional breakdown. I cried and screamed and wept in my mother's arms. I know she could sympathize but she didn't understand my pain. I have been dealing with this long enough. Having to put up my stuff, lock my room, be on edge around this family member, and usually end in yelling matches. This family member is a narcissist and uses power, control, and manipulation to get whatever they want. For the past couple of days, I have been battling internally and tormenting myself that this is my reality for the next couple of months. However, I have to hold on to god, Even when I am wondering and don't have the answers. 

Emotional exhaustion is the worst and being around someone almost 24/ due to the pandemic is incredibly draining. I have to distance myself and keep the faith that things will get better. I have to ignore it. I have to be the bigger person and resist the urge to curse her out or blow up every time. I am reminded of psalms 97:10 "Let those who love the LORD hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked."

Prayefully,

Nikia

Founder of TPM Ministries